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SOME BRAIN TEASERS HEHE :)
Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?
If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see? If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?
Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
What does OK actually mean?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird!"
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Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
>after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the
sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied,
"The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
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Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
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Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of
a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
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The Penis
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
REPLY:
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration
rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and
often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be
pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety
regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
And if that were not all, you have been seen
constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
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Have A Drink
There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then this bully steps up next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Oh, come on man! I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a man crying."
The troubled fellow replies, "This day is the worst of my life. First I get fired for oversleeping and getting to work late. Then I'm leaving the building and find out my car was stolen. I get a cab to return home, and forget my wallet and credit cards in the cab. Then I find my wife in bed with the gardener. So I end up at this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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Sharing Is Caring
An old man and his old wife were at a restaurant. After the old man received his food, he carefully cut his portion in half, and poured exactly half the drink into another cup, then gave these to his wife. Their waitress noticed that the old lady was not eating her half and said, "That's so sweet that you share a meal, but why aren't you eating?"
The old lady said, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!"
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A new priest was beginning in the Church confessional. His predecessor had given him a list of sins and their punishments.
The door opened and a man entered. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," he began. "I have stolen."
The priest looked up stealing on the list and told him to say one Hail Mary.
The next time the door opened, a woman walked in. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with the window cleaner."
The priest looked up oral sex on the list but couldn't find it. He opened his door and called out to the cleaning lady, "What does Father John give for a blow job?" ".50 if I take me teeth out."
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Sister's of St. Francis
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real, he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive and on the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers,
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs, "Please place in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets out of his wallet and
places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
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Nightmare #1
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it he asked the girl if she had one at hand "There might be some matches in the "top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally,
the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he enquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well,
who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied,
"That's me before the operation."
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Nightmare #2
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I
do? Oh- I know!" He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a
few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. when he got
there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She said, SShhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake my mother!"
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